


Self-Imposed Confinement

by EmeraldFondue



Series: Loosing Time [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Graham Ryan and Jack only appear briefly, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, I suppose, Prison, Recovery, Sensory Overload, Trauma, gummie worms on toast, one sided Thasmin, prison break - Freeform, revolution of the daleks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27182320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldFondue/pseuds/EmeraldFondue
Summary: Yaz waited. Eventually, the Doctor would open her eyes again, look at her like she was a ghost, and swallow some of the sensory overload like she could get through it by ripping it apart with dull teeth and the occasional whimper. Still a fighter that one.She wants to get through this, wants nothing more than to feel okay again.(Can be read on its own but is a sequel to Solitary Confinement / onesided Thasmin is somewhat confirmed and everything more can easily be read between the lines.)
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Series: Loosing Time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1984192
Comments: 8
Kudos: 56





	1. OUT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically a Sequal and the comfort to the hurt of Solidarity Confinement, because that one was an exploration of prison feelings and angst for the Thirteenth Doctor - nothing more, nothing less. Now we're moving on to hope! Every chapter will be a bit more hopeful and show more of the Doctor's confidence returning. It's a process, like most things in life. 
> 
> (River joins them in chapter 3 & 4)

**CHAPTER ONE: OUT**

She was watching the ceiling for most of what she assumed were days, give or take, thoughts feeling at home in the dark nothingness of having given up. The damp, cold air at long since stopped to bother her and at least she didn’t need to hold the weight of her mind when her head rested against the ground. 

It must have been a few years by now. 

She could never figure out where she was in the universe. If she was moving at all – like she used to, but not quite. No hope to ever find any answers with the agonizing lack of windows to offer her a look at the stars. She tried to remember when she closed her eyes, picturing endless galaxies in black and blue hues. Swirls of burning passion and brightly glowing streams of endless opportunity. the Doctor never quite managed to recall them. 

No one had come to speak to her. Ever. She tried not to take it personally. 

It was just her and the ceiling and the pain of both past and present drumming in her head. Wandering around her frame like a lost child, knocking at her rips on occasion, and asking for access to the two pumps she tried to keep safe and sealed. Even now she was still trying not to think about everything that has happened to her when really she didn’t have any other occupation. 

Closing herself off even further than this cell did mean that the Doctor was wasting away. 

Hope long lost.

.

It wasn’t the first time that an eruption beneath the metal ground disturbed her restless doze and shook her spine wide awake. Shocks running through her like waves of electricity. 

The Doctor would turn over to her side and tried to push herself up into a sitting position before she crashed her rips back into the hard floor. Not wincing. This kind of pain had become part of what was left of her inexistent now, she lost hold of herself so frequently. 

Loud thunder was followed by the high pitched scream of metal ripping against metal. The smell of smoke filled her small cell quickly and the next thing she knew, the Doctor felt her lungs contract in an attempt to keep still and stop her from breathing in any more unfamiliarity. She clenched and stiffened with no control over her muscles. Shock. She was in shock she realized, much like a bystander looking in through the foggy glass.

The loud noises pressing forcefully against the Doctor's eardrums were impossible to decipher. She struggled to pull her hands up to cover her ears but her body felt like it was someone else's and refused to listen. She wasn’t regenerating, right? It would explain the new kind of pain. New. New? How irritating. Nothing had been new to her since she had last been all new to herself. She didn’t have the energy to start all over again. 

“Doctor?”

She recognized her name as the noises dropped marginally in intensity. 

“Doctor!”, another voice coming from somewhere nearby caused her eyes still securely shut. 

A man and a woman. Somewhere her brain gave the signal that she knew them, whispering to trust again, but it seemed so unlikely to her that the Doctor pushed the idea away forcefully - feeling like she was close to fracturing something inside her own mind at the attempt. There was no place in there for thoughts like this. 

“Step aside, I'll get her”, determination.

“Are you sure?”, worry.

“ Of course. Look at her. I can carry someone a lot taller, let me tell you”, oh, gallivanting.

“Oh come on, don't roll your eyes... here... Let me just. Slow and easy”. He again.

“Wait!”, more fear, “Be careful! She's not even moved at all since we got in here.”

“Come on Doctor, I've got you! This is almost like old times, isn’t it? Well, if I'd ever gotten to pick you up and carry you around before it would be. Still wish you hadn’t refused that one time on Barlise. Kind of hurt my feelings gotta be honest, though your old face did look very handsome with that disapproving frown.”

The Doctor gasped for air like a fish out of water when big hands snuck under her tense, jumpsuit-clad body, nearly hyperventilating that same second, but eyes finally open wide.

A familiar face looked down at her with a wink, no doubt expecting her to calm down at the sight and the anecdote. All hope was in vain. Instead, the Doctor started violently squirming in Jack's arms, trying to push herself off in a fight or flight response to the touch, uncaring about crashing to the floor and breaking whatever was still in place inside of her. She just needed him to let go and to catch her breath again. 

“Doctor”, Yaz stepped closer in an instance, panic thick in her voice, while Jack tried to readjust his hold so he wouldn't actually drop the timelord. She really wasn't making it easier for him, but the size of her helped his case tremendously.

“Please calm down, Doctor. It's me! Yaz! Yasmin Khan. And Jack! See? Your old friend. Captain Jack Harkness. We've come to get you, Doctor. We're getting you out of here.”

“Jack, Yaz? You lot okay in there? We really gotta get going! I don't think the bomb will distract them much lon-”, Graham came to a stop at the sight of his friend fighting against the Captain like her life depended on it. Complete feral refusal. He'd never seen her look so... so not her. Small and haunted. Quiet, gasping screams leaving her throat like nothing he's ever heard. Graham swallowed.

“Will you guys hurry up already?”, Ryan yelled from somewhere further down the hallway, looking around anxiously.

“Come on, Doctor! I really don't believe you'd be fast enough if I let you down right now”, Jack had to bite his tongue and hold her a little harder than he liked, just to get the Doctor out faster and stop her from trashing around.

They ran down the hallways, Ryan and Yaz leading the way with Jack right behind her closely followed Graham who kept looking back. Her movements eased up when they came around the third corner as she quickly grew too exhausted to continue. 

“We need to get back to the engine room, that's where the transporters are!”

“This way! I saw a map before; it's a definite shortcut.”

Rumbling, loud steps echoed closer the further away they got from the Doctors cell.    
The Judoon were closing in on them like a rouge stampede.

The sound of engines rang inside the Doctor's mind. None of this felt right or real.

After all the time spent hoping, wanting, needing to get out and back to her friends, the Doctor wanted nothing more than to be alone again. To have the noises stop their assault on her quite literal mental walls. Two hearts couldn't be drumming any faster than they already were.

The breathing around her got louder with every step and she was choking on it. Jack's hands were tight enough to bruise, callused enough to make her want to scratch off her own skin underneath the clothes that separated them and warm enough for her to feel like she was burning to ashes. The Doctor was aching for cold metal walls again. Cracking and snapping and humming came from virtually every corner of the room, screaming at her. Louder and louder.

“Ready, guys?”

Louder. 

“Let's go!”

Louder. Louder. Louder - then nothing - until a different kind of engine started groaning.

Next thing she knew Jack lowered her to the floor of the TARDIS console room where the Doctor tried to finally catch her breath, steady herself on her feet. But all she did was stumble forward, hunched over and barely avoiding hitting her head on the actual console at the first chance. Clinging to it, she pressed her face into an abundance of buttons for a moment, briefly distracted by the pain pushing out the voices around her.

Soft hands settled on her shaking shoulders and the Doctor flinched away, looking at Yaz with wide eyes and wild shock. The girl quickly stepped back in apparent regret.

“I-I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

The blonde could feel the gazes that Graham and Ryan exchanged behind her.

“Doctor”, Jack tried, pitch just a little too high.

Sure enough, this wasn't the reunion he'd dreamed of.

The timelord shook her head violently.

“No”, she just wanted to curl up and drown everything out with sobs. So ready to fall apart that she hadn't even fully registered that she was no longer in prison, “ no, no, no, no.”

“You should go and rest Doc”, Graham stepped forward, “a cuppa and some sleep will put you right up again, you'll see. Everything's going to be okay now.”

“Graham's right...”, Yaz reached out a hand but quickly pulled it back when the Doctor stumbled further away from her, half circling the console. The knuckle-whitening grip she had on it was the only thing still keeping the Doctor on her bare feet.

“Okay. You think you can follow Yaz to one of the rooms, maybe, or...?”, Jack tried, clearly offering to carry her again. She'd have been glad to have her old friend around if she wasn't so dizzy and narrow-minded right now. All her brain wanted was less. Less of all of this. Less noise and fewer vibrations in the air and ship around her. Fewer stares and less of their invading guilt.

Treading softly, the Doctor attempted a few steps before she twisted her sore ankle, crashing down again. The combined steps of her companions towards her felt like an aftershock earthquake and she pressed her eyes to close tightly. Too much. The cool of the Tardis floor held back some noise as she pressed her forehead against it.

“Wait-”, Yaz hurried off and the Doctor bit at the inside of her cheek – hard. Every step hurt. The TARDIS felt like it was shaking with pulsing lives, making her feel even more cut off inside.

Yasmin came back just as soundly. Bitterly the Doctor thought; they should have left her to rot.

“Use this”, She tossed something blue over to Jack who gave a nod and came closer again.

“Sorry... but I don't think this is the right place for you to hang out right now...”, Jack invaded her personal space once again and wrapped the soft, creamy blue blanket around the kneeling blonde, before carefully picking her back up. They had time to be gentle and slow now and the blanket helped her stay mostly calm, cushioning the steps Jack was taking, even if just a little.

“What room would you prefer?”

Yaz and Jack looked at the Doctor expectantly but her eyes were clenched as she tried to drown them out. It was the TARDIS who opened one of the rooms up for them.

A large bed at the center, a soft rug and old blue curtains, no other decorations besides the nightstands.

“Thanks”, Jack grinned fondly, despite his heavy heart, and set the Doctor down on the bed.

She was holding her breath when the bed dipped beneath her body. This wasn't at all as good as she'd imagined in her first few months in prison when she'd done nothing but long for a proper bed. Now it was too soft.

“Isn’t that so much better, Doctor?”, he was probably biting back a remark about finally getting to take her to bed. 

“No”, was all she got out.

“No?”

Yaz and Jack looked helplessly at each other.

“Just... try to sleep”, the youngest of them offered eventually, “we'll be in the console room, okay? If you need anything at all... just... just made any sorta sound and I'll come. Anything at all! But please rest. Please....”

Her voice was so desperate that the Doctor was momentarily nothing if not willing to stay in bed and she did manage to - just about long enough for Yaz and Jack to leave her alone. A little shift of her body and she fell over the edge and into the rug covered floor.

Tumbling steps took her a little further and into the part of the room that was entirely bare. Better, she thought before collapsing near the wall. The presence of her friends was still close and the rumbling TARDIS walls felt like they were closing in on her. The internal dimensions didn't feel as big on the inside as they really were anymore.

Eventually, however, all of that faded out when her last bit of anxiety gave in to exhaustion and the Doctor's tired limbs finally found a short moment of relief in the relative quiet.

She was free. Out of her cell and back in the TARDIS. Save. Sound. Too much sound everywhere. Nothing like it used to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't beta read - I'm not a seasoned fic writer and usually do fanart, but sometimes you gotta write down those feelings and ideas you have. Also, that sad first fic really needed some comfort haha... Hope you enjoyed this. I'd really love to hear any thoughts you had while reading this. 
> 
> CONSTRUCTIVE criticism that is also always welcome but remember; this isn't my biggest comfort zone (or native language) haha :'D
> 
> The other 3 chapters are already fully written so no long waits are to be expected. 
> 
> Stay safe and hopeful y'all


	2. APPROACH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we get into the first step of the comfort, I wanted to quickly drop in and say thank you, y'all leaving comments like that made me really happy; wasn't expecting that at all! Very very appreciated! 
> 
> Hope you're enjoying Chapter 2!

**CHAPTER TWO: APPROACH**

It was the smallest noises that made the Doctor flinch and Yaz stop in her tracks - stand still and hold her breath in fear of causing any further distress. It wasn't like the Doctor didn't notice and somewhere deep down she really appreciated the concern, however, even her friend's single heartbeat close to her own two was something she hadn't managed to get used to yet. It was still too much, so she never managed to reassure her friend the way she would have under different circumstances. 

“Doctor...?”, came the quiet whisper of uncertainty, almost too quiet to make it out unbroken.

Whenever Yaz talked to her the Doctor very briefly shut down, closed her eyes, and only realized that she's been clenching her jaw when it starts to hurt – the pain seemed chronic now - before she relaxed and attempted to listen. Yaz waited. Patiently. Eventually, the Doctor would open her eyes again, look at her like she was a ghost, and swallow some of the sensory overload like she could get through it by ripping it apart with dull teeth and the occasional whimper. Still a fighter that one.

Yaz didn't speak up again, just held out a little rusty red tray with one mars-orange cup of lukewarm tea – the Doctor noticed the lack of steam – and a few custard creams. She's not eaten any of the last fifteen attempts that Yaz had made, so the Doctor didn't really get why she still expected her to. Yaz should know better, she was clever. 

The Brunette set the tray down to where her friend was sitting on a pile of blankets in the corner of one of the smaller, empty rooms in the TARDIS. The only spot where she hadn't started to hyperventilate. Yell. Cut at her friends in a sheer panic with words of an unfamiliar and untranslated language, like they were knives. Everywhere was too big, too much, too many vibrations. It wasn’t the smallest room now, those had sent her off too, but just about right. 

“You need to eat something...”, Yaz could barely look her in the eyes. Yet she still came to look after her friend every single day. It had been almost two weeks, the Doctor guessed. Two weeks since they broke her out but a countless number of years since she's last taken a bite of anything at all. Her jaw tightened at the thought while her stomach turned itself upside down.

“Please...”, Yaz was kneeling next to her, not close enough for her body heat to disturb the air around the Doctor, but just so that her presence was still clear.

The Doctor shook her head, leaning back and into herself. She looked even smaller sitting there, a blanket over her shoulders, some more all around her. Old clothes somehow looking plain and dull. Cheeks sunken in and eyes painted with dark, deep red and purple circles. She just needed some more time. Eventually, the blonde would eat, knew that she needed to even if she wasn't human.

.

The third week since her rescue was coming to a fast end when, for the first time, the Doctor felt the warmth of herbal tea run past her lips, down her sore throat. How long since she felt this warm? It felt good.

However, the Doctor kept refusing to eat and by now Yaz had taken to bringing her all sorts of meals and snacks, coming up with ever new combinations in hopeless attempts of finding something that will make her want to try and eat.

Yaz looks tired too. She's noticed as much.

Ryan and Graham's voices echo through the hallway sometimes and it made the Doctor press her nails deep into the flesh of her palms. Too much. Too many people. That's probably why Yaz is the only one she's seen since that day.

.

In the dead of night – the Doctor can tell now that they're on earth, the TARDIS was the reason behind that of course, reluctant to otherwise connect to her oldest friend in the state she was in – she gets up and stumbles around the room. A few times now she's had her hand hover lightly over the button to the doors right, intent to fully open it and go outside. No longer satisfied by the small, opening slit that let her know she's free to do as she pleases. But then there's a distant engine rumbling and she's back in the corner, hands in her hair while she presses her forehead against her knees. At least no one is there to see.

.

She doesn't want to open up. Even as Yaz's voice no longer rings in her ears like a fire alarm.

The Doctor doesn't cry either. She's just trying to pretend that she doesn't exist as the young officer, she looks a bit older than she did on Gallifrey, doesn’t she, talks to her.

But she's still not eating.

.

Week five. It's been a month. Yaz guides her into a stand without touching once and tries to move her out of the corner and into the console room, talking about how the familiar surroundings will help. Still, the Doctor stops near the second turn left, when Yaz's careful hand is seemingly very suddenly on her back. Pressing cotton against skin, rubbing subconscious circles. The Doctor vaguely remembers being carried out of prison, but she wasn't completely conscious then, so it's the first touch in probably a century and it's too much too soon. She's never liked being touched in this body, even less so now. 

Yaz looks panicked when the Doctor's breathing speeds up just a little.

Her skin tingles under the fabric of her shirt like it's set on fire.

“I can't”, the Doctor croaks out – mind rushing a million miles an hour, trying to process that the fingertips she just felt were real and of no threat, but most importantly that they were real. Maybe it wasn’t that she didn’t like it and more that she didn’t believe it, the Doctor wasn’t sure. Nothing seemed to come along with much certainty these days, least of all herself. 

“I- I'm sorry, Doctor. I-”, Yaz tries to blink away bubbling tears and the Doctor doesn't know how to handle this, never did. 

“I just need more rest”, she murmurs no louder than the humming of a nearby engine.

And just like that her bare feet carry the Doctor back to her corner and blankets, sliding down the wall. Nothing feels right to her anymore. 

.

It's hours later when Yaz comes back with more tea and some gummy-worms on plain white toast. No butter. She puts them down quietly and sits in silence, a few feet away from the Doctor.

“I don't know what to do...”, she says eventually, causing the Timelord near her to almost drop the cup she had started to cradle, “I don't think I'm much help to you...”

The Doctor wants to deny it, to reassure Yaz, her Yaz, that she's done everything and more. She just needed time. Stay here a little longer and try not to experience too much too soon. Get used to feeling alive again. She couldn’t hope for anyone more kind and gentle than Yaz to be there for her even though she felt the constant guilt of having her around tugging too. Yaz was the brightest part of her days so far. She’s not fast enough to say any of that. 

“I'm not sure you really want to get back to normal”, Yaz stops when the blonde looks at her, eyes not as empty as she's gotten used to seeing, “I- sorry... I don't mean. I'm sure you're trying your best. Really. And normal is... relative of course. So...”

Only she really isn't, “sorry”, Yaz whispers again.

Maybe she's right. The Doctor doesn't want to leave the safety of this corner. Doesn't know how to approach the universe anymore, she's been locked out of it for so long and somehow it kept on going without her. Like, after everything they had been through, it changed it's mind. Doctor who? The universe no longer needed her help. Whoever she was - oh, she hadn't come to terms with that either actually. Not really. 

“Sorry....”, Yaz repeated quietly and it wasn't long until she got up and left for the night.

What was she doing here? The Doctor didn't sleep that night, not that it was unusual for her. 


	3. HER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, it's going to get a bit corny now! :')  
> I'm here for comfort and comfort only (and also angst)!

**CHAPTER THREE: HER**

“I've done something....”, Yaz looks at the floor, she still struggled with looking the Doctor in the eyes - there was too much pain there.

The blonde pulled the blanket around herself a little tighter, they had really become a sort of comfort source to her. A way to shut everything out while still feeling _something_ , regulating her input, and putting her in charge of the experience. 

“I, well, I talked to Jack and....”, hesitation filled the room with silence, “I-... he gave me a _number ._.. One for emergencies only.”

The Doctor looks up now, fingers fumbling with a loose threat at the end of her soft baby blue polka dot blanket. She can imagine what Yaz is going to follow up with, she remembers enough interactions with humans to figure out as little. She loved how they had found ways to offer themselves help during hard times especially when it came to mental health, but she's not human. The Doctor doesn't work the way they do and she doesn't like opening up. 

“I really don't want to see anyone. At all, Yaz...”, her voice never failed to sound wrong in her own ears, way too fragile, like it'd break any moment.

“I'm sorry if it’s not the right thing to do… But I think you have to. And maybe you do want to, actually... I-I don't know. But I'm pretty confident that this is the right thing for you.”

No answer. But the Doctor's little glare still warmed Yaz's heart in an unexpected way. Even if it wasn't a cheerful smile like she's been waiting to see, the expression was bringing some life back to the sunken, pale face in the corner.

“I'll just let her in. Yes. She's already here and she knows you've been through a lot”, though none of them really knew how much or what exactly. The Doctor wouldn't tell them, “so it’s going to be fine. You'll be fine.”

Yaz left an almost fuming Doctor behind. A good sign, the alien herself deduced somewhere in the distance where she was watching herself. That voice was quickly shut off as she slouched down further. Hearing steps come nearer. Her bones didn't hurt as much since they didn't scratch against metal with every given movement anymore. She really was quite content in this corner.

The light of the hallway got brighter - like the TARDIS was somewhat fond of whomever Yaz was bringing around - and then a shadow fell into the Doctor's quarters. A hand on the entryway and one on her hip, the curvy figure tilted her head, causing curly hair to fall over an almost bare shoulder. 

“Hello Sweetie”, the woman whispers.

That's when the Doctor really looks up and her hearts feel like they've been strangled until now, letting out a shaky breath she struggles to come up to her feet at that same moment. It's her. It's her. Her wife.

“How-”, her voice breaks before she finishes pronouncing the first word.

River steps into the room and she is there to catch the Doctor when her feet slip, tangled in blankets and long pyjama pants. She tenses up right away, tries to push at River's hands but the shock is too much. Her wife just guides her back down into a sitting position and doesn't let go of her sides. Strong hands, bigger than she remembered, on her waist (which was a lot smaller than she remembered). At least in comparison River had never looked so tall to her, not even in this same old red pair of heels. She couldn't actually be taller than her now, could she? 

The Doctor gasps for air and River doesn't let go. She doesn't move her hands either, keeps them steady, and on the verge of too tight and tight enough.

“Hey, it's okay... just me, Doctor, remember? Your indescribably beautiful, astonishingly sexy, and unbelievably smart wife? Coming to you just as you need me the most, hmh... Always saving the day. Ring any bells, love?”

“How”, the Doctor repeats and it's an unconscious movement at first, but her fingertips brush over Rivers' knuckles where she's holding her steady. The roughness of the skin there feels too pronounced against her own. She looks down but Rivers' knuckles seem perfectly fine, nothing like she's punched anything. No sign of overtly handy work. Her fingertips just haven't felt anyone else's skin in too long. Every line on there is a new sensation.

The Doctor is almost sure that River is talking to her, but all her attention is on her hands now. Their shape and color. The veins underneath and wrinkles above. She brushes over the back of them like she's touching a butterfly, afraid she's going to break anything even though she's the one trembling.

“Oh, Doctor”, River whispers and takes one of her hands away.

The loss makes the older blonde gasp again, missing the tightness and security on her frame immediately. Not for long though, as she rediscovers her wife's fingers on her cheeks, brushing away fresh tears. Oh.

“It's okay,” River hums and wipes tears away despite the way her wife is stiff underneath the touch.

“You'll have to get used to that again”, her voice is low and quiet and suggestive for a moment there, “I'll need to kiss this new face of yours eventually, you know. A wife has needs.”

Something about the normalcy and casualness of River makes her ease up again. Almost causes her to smile even. She lets out a breath of air, a small huff, and her hands fall down into her lap and River pulls hers away too.

“Sweetie?”, she tries.

The Doctor just watches her hand's clinch and fist bits of the striped green blanket she's on.

Heavy sobs follow quickly and the matching, strangled gasp that comes from River is enough to convey how much her heart is breaking right now.

“Love...”, she tries, clear uncertainty.

She wants nothing more than to wrap her Doctor into her arms, but that might actually be too much - not in the way it used to be.

“River.”

“I'm here...”

“How!”, she sobs and snorts and it's not pretty but it's perfectly heart-wrenching.

“Not now...”, River soothes and can't keep her hand from the blonde hair sticking to the Doctor's head, she slowly moves through it with ease, “I'm here for you. Just let me hold you and make things better, what do you say?”

Rivers' eyes are filling up with tears too. They've been through so much, each of them. Both of them together. But this was new. This was worse. It was like only one of them was really here and who would've thought that one would be River?

The Doctor wipes her nose on her white sleeve and her bead bobs unsteadily as she nods, “Please.”

River stares.

“Please”, the Doctor looks up, “please, River. Please hold me.”

She's pleading, though River swears Yaz told her to avoid touching because it sends the Timelord into immediate sensory overload and shut down.

“Please”, she whimpers again.

“Of course!”, River hurries to shuffle closer, wrinkling her long summer dress, “Of course, my love.”

For a moment the Doctor does shut down just as River wraps her arms around her and pulls her closer, touching as much as tightly as she's sure won't hurt the stiff and skinny body belonging to her betrothed. It takes a few seconds, maybe a minute, but suddenly she's releasing a strangled choke and crying again, limb against River and clinging to her like dear life at the same time.

“Shhh... It's alright... you're perfectly safe, sweetie, everything will be okay.”

It's the first time in years that the Doctor actually feels herself believe in anything again. Hope. Hope that she'll come out fine on the other end. That things will be normal again, her type of normal. She wants to get through this, wants nothing more than to feel okay again. It's so surrealistically liberating to hope that she wants to break out of her ribcage and step into the universe again - free of everything surrounding her and everything that’s made a nest within.

But she's not there yet.

River feels secure and warm and familiar and it's the only thing that's putting a few of the pieces back together, holding them there so she can exam them in order to determine whether or not they are still part of her. The Doctor wants them to be. Wants all the old parts back that she couldn't wait to get rid of before. River can help with that, she is sure of it. River had been there for so many lifetimes. Knows her better than anyone, even with the new face. River can bring parts of her back that feel lost.

But then curly hair brushes against the Doctors cheek and all the good intentions are gone again. She tenses up, unable to place the uninvited feeling. Her wife complies faster than anything when the Doctor tries to push herself away.

“Sorry...”, the whisper is lost in her throat and her hearts clench in disappointment over herself. For one moment there she was sure that everything really would be okay, just like River kept saying.

“Well, that's a first”, River winked, “Never been pushed away before. But it's alright, love, I can handle a bit of rejection.”

Clearly, she's trying to take it with humor but something about the words still stings.

“River-”

“I think I'll be staying for a while. Would that be okay?”

How could she have known what the Doctor was about to ask?

The Timelord nodded quickly and River let out a small laugh.

“Good. Because I was going to either way. Someone does need to look after the TARDIS after all. And I haven’t seen my husband… well, wife, in so long. I could use some quality time too. Clearly, you need me as well, Doctor.”

Here come the tears again. Slow and full of grief and anger over everything that had happened. And what was lost to her. It takes the Doctor a moment to realize that they aren't her own. It's River who's crying.

“In sickness and in health, right?”

“Always.”

.

Swallowing down the disappointment of not having been able to help the Doctor as much as she wanted, Yaz let herself feel the intense rush of relief that washed over her as she came to offer her friend some dinner, however, finding her asleep between blankets with her head resting on Rivers lap. The latter's fingers softly threading through unwashed, sticky hair.

The progress from there on would still slow but there and worth it. After everything the Doctor had done for all of them, her friends are more than willing to put in the work and especially the patience that it took for her to recover. She wasn't gone for good and they were committed to bringing the Doctor, as they all knew her, back. 

Calling River was one of the best choices Yaz had made since agreeing to go with Jack to break the Doctor out of prison – when she was still thinking that her friend had perished in the fires of her home planet. Maybe there was a part of her that felt disappointed that she hadn’t been able to be that person to the Doctor but Yaz didn’t bother paying too much attention to the feeling, much too great was the building joy. River knew all the ways of sweet-talking the Doctor into almost anything, making her feel a little more normal again. 

.

Eventually, that included a much-needed bath.

The warm water almost stung on her skin but the smell of gerusiân herbs helped ease her muscles and mind. Some more tension left her as River washed the Doctors hair carefully. Any wrong touch, she feared, could send her into shock again, but they still needed to try.

“How's that...?”, the Doctor just nodded as an answer.

River opted out of using actual shampoo, not wanting to risk getting any in her wife's eyes to top off the abundance of textures. She tried to take things slow. Slower than she's ever had to in life (it almost felt like she was back on Darillium again).

“At least I get to see all of that new body of yours”, she whispered, massaging her wife's scalp, and it sent a sure rush of blood into heated cheeks.

“River”, the Doctor crooked out almost the same way she used to, just not as reassured.

The younger one chuckled, “Oh, I'm just teasing.... But, seriously, I wish I had seen this new model before. You wear it very well. I’ve always found you incredibly attractive but this really is an upgrade, love. Such newness”

“River, please.”

“I know. I know.”

“You two okay in there?”, Yaz had almost knocked on the door but stopped herself just in time. The Doctor would have heard her approach by now. 

“Oh, having the time of my life, dear!”

“River!”

Yaz laughed quietly, “Good.. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.”

“Well I'm not sure that really narrows any of my options”, River hummed and her left hand went down low enough to massage the Doctor neck, leaving her to gasp quietly – just not in the usual rather panicked way.

“I just wanted to let you know that I'll be off to work now. I'm getting some groceries for my mum after if you need anything?”

They probably didn't. Graham had made it a habit to keep at least one of the kitchens stocked up just in case the Doctor felt like having more than the occasional rich tea biscuits or slices of dry toast. She did crave an apple the other day and he had never been as proud as he was when they had just the type on board.

“Thank you, sweetheart, we're all good. Aren't we Doctor?”, she pulled her hands away, adjusting where she sat on the edge of the bathtub, and got a soft little hum as an answer.

“Alright. See ya!”, Yaz steps echoed quietly through the hall on the other side of the door.

“She really loves you, that one.”

.

She must have been nearly six months out when River finally managed to get the Doctor into bed with her. Not the way she had thought she would before finding out about her incarceration, but somehow this was even greater. Finally, the Doctor went to rest her head against a plain sheet and mattress rather than blankets on the cold, hard floor. No pillow and she did bring the same old blankets to curl up in, but still! It was a tremendous success. Especially that River was allowed to rest near her after only a few nights in it and despite her apparently very loud breathing and upsetting vibrations rolling through the soft mattress. It would seem the benefit of being close to her outweighed the downsides in the Doctor's mind.

Now that she started to regain control over her senses again she really didn't want to be alone anymore. Where the Doctor had started out overwhelmed at every strange heartbeat, it was now turning into a kind of rhythmic reassurance, just like her own hearts beating. She wasn’t alone anymore. She wasn’t alone anymore. She wasn’t alone anymore. 

Eventually, the Doctor would take the wobbly steps it took and go all the way down the corridor into the console room. She was sure it wouldn't be much longer until her fingers found all the buttons and thingys and levers again. Then she'd reconnect with her TARDIS too. Establish the comforting telepathic link between them, ready to get back into her old clothes and adventures. Not long now. Maybe a few more weeks or months. Hopefully no longer than a year. She was beginning to get restless inside. At constant conflict with her recovery and trauma. Hating to be inside and wanting to be nowhere else. Longing for outside and retaliating at the thought. 

With her friends nearby and always on call, River sleeping next to her every night and the TARDIS just about as secure and steady as ever before the Doctor was absolutely sure; never had she been filled with this much hope. Even the darkest night sweats couldn't stop the newly ignited hope in her chest, soon it would grow back into the raging inferno that guided her as steadily towards her reclaimed future as it had through all of the thousands of years she had lived before.

She was going to feel alive again. One soft brush of fingers against her palm at a time, until she'd be holding on tightly to her friends once more.


	4. STEPS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The biggest time-jump so far and originally I meant to end this after chapter 3, but I'm glad this one happened!

**CHAPTER 4: STEPS**

“I'm just saying... there's really no way to be sure about this”, the Doctor was pacing again.

Yaz sat on the stairs of the console room and watched attentively, patiently. Still, she was starting to get tired of her friend discouraging herself. They had given her time and space and it had been a week since she first found her way back into the console room.

It was hard to watch her there that first time, all lost in the hall she used to command so easily. Even the TARDIS was seemingly quieter that day, trying as much as her friends to ease the Doctor back into liveliness and a sense of normalcy. Overall it was a tremendous feeling of success. But it hadn't been more than five minutes before the blonde scrambled out of the room again, tripping over her own feet and crashing into the nearest wall. Absolutely overwhelmed. The collision caused her a good little bump and bruise too.   
But each attempt had made it a little easier. Every time she stayed longer and the TARDIS would regain more of her functions and wiring noises, all those things that hadn't been in use during the years without the Doctor, until it was back to normal and the Doctor just stood there like she'd never struggled.

River stepped up to her trotting wife. It was just the three of them right now, all of her friends in one room still seemed to make her tense, so they tried to keep the group as small as possible. (Jack had taken to coming around and going for drinks with Graham and sometimes Ryan as well, every chance he got. Yaz figured he really just wanted to be close using different excuses each time to keep an eye on the Doctor. The memory of him carrying her out of that place still plagued all of them.)

“Love”, River carefully reached for her wife's hand and aside from the brief startled look in her stilling frame, she didn't communicate anything - least of all terror, “If you don't stop walking around the console in circles I will personally fly us into deep space and drop you out of those doors. Right at the end of the universe.”

Her smile was soft and gentle despite the threat and the Doctor opened her mouth to protest but nothing came out. River lifted her eyebrows expectantly, rolling a hand through warm air encouragingly, impatiently.

“I just....”, the Doctor's voice was so small that Yaz's heart dropped, as though she wasn't used to her sounding off or broken, “'s too much too soon. I can't- You don't understand it, River. Yaz... Yaz does!”

A useless attempt at pulling her friend on her side.

“I really don't”, Yaz shrugged.

“I _do_ understand”, River let out a long sigh and closed her eyes for a moment.

Sometimes she acted more exhausted or bothered than she really was, Yaz had noted, probably to make things feel the same that they used to and part of her really wished she could've seen the two of them together before all of this.

“I _am_ trying!” 

“It's okay, Doctor, we know you are. But-”

“Uh, _Yaz_ doesn't”, she said quickly, scrunching up her nose with an accompanying shrug - like somehow this was the big argument that would get her out of the situation at hand. A kind of ‘dog ate my homework’-esque excuse. 

“What?”, River looked at Yaz who frowned right back.

“Yeah! She said that I'm not even really trying and-”

“That was months ago!”, Yaz stood up, offended, and more hurt than she let on.

She had regretted the implication for a long time, even though he still believed to have been spot on. 

River clicked her tongue against her teeth, clearly scolding.

“No more excuses”, her grip on the Doctor's hand tightened, “you are going outside, young lady! Today! Two steps, that's what we agreed on.”

“I am _way_ older than you are”, the Doctor mumbled under her breath, unsure if she wanted River to hear her disregard her authoritative tone or not.

Alas, River found it especially hard to stay serious when her wife's face scrunched up like that in response to her demanding tone. This face was so different from the others before, but she wasn't about to let her slip out of a promise just because her wife made cute faces at her. They'd been through this whole argument days ago. She was ready for some fresh air – needed it as well – the Doctor had said so herself. The sounds outside were sure to overwhelm her, however, that was to be expected and they would comfort her after. It was a well-calculated risk, one where the upsides clearly outweighed the downsides.   
If the Doctor didn't push herself at least a little, she might just never find herself traveling again and River could see the aching, dreadful, deeply rooted need to leave in her wife, telling her to go. Run. Run faster. 

“But-”

“No more buts, Doctor”, Yaz stepped up to them, “Come on.”

“Ugh! Can someone please remind me why I invited you two to stay with me? No one’s ever on **my** side! This is just like Monopoly.”

“You didn't invite me, sweetie.”

“And I'm not staying with you.”

The Doctor let out a fairly annoyed groan but Yaz's breathy laugh made it hard to really be upset. They had been here for her this whole time and the closer she was to reaching herself again, the more did the Doctor feel like she needed to stop them from looking after her - part of her felt such overwhelming guilt over needing them in the first place that it weighed her down like invisible cement blocks, securing her back in place.

“Come on now”, River smiled and tugged at the blonde's hand, slowly leading her closer to the TARDIS-entrance. It was time.

Yaz followed, slowly, not to get too close to her stumbling friend. The Doctor's newfound silence was evidence enough of her nervousness. She was probably biting her lips raw once again, but Yaz couldn't see.

“So”, River stopped, “Just two steps. No more than two minutes. Take a deep breath and don't try anything, okay?”

“'Course! I'll just step outside the TARDIS real quick, sneak a tiny little peek at the world. Feel some sun on my face and then pop back in. That's not hard at all. I've been outside before. Been there countless times. I've probably spent more time outside than inside in my life. Although, might not be true anymore? Can't tell though. I really should do some calculations on that. I was already so behind on my timeline before. This is just like school. Maybe I should do that now actually... Ugh.. Nevermind, we're here now. No time like the present, isn't that right, Yaz? River? Just... Unless...”

She did try to count how long she's been to prison before but it had ended in a breakdown.

River was running out of patience as the Doctor kept talking, so it seemed like the perfect moment to just open the door and push her outside. She did the first of these things and let go of her wife's hand simultaneously. 

The sun was blindingly white in the blue afternoon sky and the chirping birds' songs washed over the Doctor like a softer bulldozer before she had a chance to take her first breath. She stood there, in the entrance, like she was stuck to it. Still and unmoving. Staring at the sun. The TARDIS was almost silent behind her - like she was holding her breath as well.

A truck drove by and it shocked the Doctor into breathing and blinking again. She swallowed and licked her lips, determined to finally follow up on the commitment she had made. One boot at a time. Slowly. Carefully. She had put on shoes to avoid feeling every single piece of grass and bits of dirt underneath in addition to tickling wind and sun on her skin. Birds and cars ringing in her ears with repetitive noises. Distantly chatting people she didn't know. Somewhere a dog was barking and someone on a bike rang their bell. There was shouting too. Children laughing and kicking a ball. Thump Thump Thump.

Before she knew it the Doctor stood outside, her feet being the only part of her that remembered how normal stepping outside used to be. Her breath was shaking but she remained still. The wind didn't feel so bad actually, moving smoothly through her hair, caressing her face, filling her lungs with fresh air. Fresh air. How long has it been? This was the first time outside the TARDIS in - possibly - close to a year. Before that, she had spent a lifetime in space and prison. This was the first time that real actual oxygen expanded her lungs. Earthy atmosphere. It made the irritating noises all around worth it. The hurt inside her head and mind were a little bit more bearable - especially the ones she couldn't place or understand. Everything at less of a distance was a stab through skin and bone, but she was outside. The whole experience was nothing short of a rollercoaster ride to her brains, the kind where you have a great time until your lunch comes back up. 

“Okay, Doctor”, River whispered and reached out for her arm, “that's enough for now...”

She gently pulled the older blonde back through the automatically closing doors. Everything was quiet and still and the Doctor felt her jaw tremble when River closed in to brush her fingertips over the heated cheeks, wiping away tears. Oh.

“Love?”

The Doctor nodded and clenched her jaw, willing it to stop the tremor and keep herself from crying harder than she already was. She'd been outside. For the first time.

Her eyes opened again and the tears really built up now. 

“It's-”, it's been so long. She hadn't realized how not alive she had felt trapped first in prison and then in the TARDIS. Everything outside pulsated with life, like something else she'd never know. It all looked brand new to her. Untouched. Wondrous. Dangerous. Tempting. 

She just wanted it to also stop hurting inside her head.

“I know”, River smiled, she couldn't relate entirely but she knew what prison was like and maybe that was one of the reasons the Doctor had let her so close when she was the most vulnerable.

  
“You should rest. We can go outside again tomorrow...”

“You did so well…”, Yaz nearly grinned.

  
The whole thing was another massive success, a literal step in the right direction and proof that things would be okay. She would be fine. 

“I felt dead for so long”, the words broke out of her with such force and agony that River wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around the Doctor. Yaz, too, took a step closer.

“You're not”, River squeezed her hand reassuringly, “come on now. Time of tea and cuddles.” 

Yes, however hard and painful the next steps would be, until she was able to run again, River, Yaz and the others would be there to hold on tight and push when necessary. The days of isolation weren't nearly forgotten but they had started to loose their power. The universe best prepare itself, soon, very soon, sooner than it felt right now the Doctor would be returning. 

The Doctor wiped heavy tears away with the edge of her long sleeves and grinned on through the fresher ones, straightening her back: "Brilliant!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very open but hopeful end, I think? It'll still take some more patience for the Doctor to get back to normal but we're headed in the right direction... :) 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who has and will comment, it makes me really happy to see what y'all think of this little story! 
> 
> Lots of love and stay safe.


End file.
